Are you headed for a Divorce?

Have you ever felt like your arguments with your partner are spiraling out of control? You are not alone. In my work with couples, I see this all the time—little conflicts that snowball into bigger issues. That's where Dr. John Gottman's research comes in handy. He's spent decades studying relationships and identified four destructive communication patterns he calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These behaviors can predict relationship breakdowns with scary accuracy, up to 90% in some studies. Think of them as red flags that, if left unchecked, can lead to divorce or deep unhappiness.

So, what are these Four Horsemen and what are their antidotes? Let's break them down:

1. Criticism: This isn't just complaining—it's attacking your partner's character. Instead of saying "I feel overlooked when you forget our plans," it turns into "You're so selfish and unreliable." It makes the other person feel assaulted.

2. Contempt: The worst of the bunch, this shows up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking. It's like saying "I'm better than you," and it erodes respect. Gottman says contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce.

3. Defensiveness: When criticized, we often counterattack or play the victim: "It's not my fault—you're the one who's always late!" This avoids responsibility and keeps the cycle going.

4. Stonewalling: Shutting down completely—tuning out, walking away, or going silent. It happens when overwhelm hits, but it leaves the other person feeling abandoned.

The good news? There are antidotes! For criticism, use gentle statements like "I feel..." statements. Combat contempt with appreciation—share what you love about your partner daily. Instead of defensiveness, own your part. And for stonewalling, take a break to self-soothe, then reconnect.

Relationships take work, but spotting these horsemen early can turn things around. If this hits home, consider chatting with a therapist or checking out Gottman's resources. Your connection is worth it. Learn more here: https://youtu.be/1o30Ps-_8is?si=QgnHYYli1SYOa7s2