Boundaries

Just recently, I was in my room getting ready for the shower late on a Saturday morning when my 8-year-old barged in, jumped onto my bed, and flipped on my TV.

“Excuse me,” I said. “Can I have some privacy? I am about to get in the shower.”

He quickly replied, “Oh! I'm sorry, Mom. Why don’t you just close the bathroom door?”

“Well, buddy, I would like to be able to have privacy in my room for a bit.”

“Oh! Okay, I get it. I'll just shut the door for you then.”

He then shut my bathroom door and proceeded to watch TV on my bed, while I was shut in my little bathroom.

So, if you've ever questioned whether therapists struggle with boundaries too, the answer is yes. And if you've ever wondered if boundaries are complicated, the answer is also yes! Let's talk about what boundaries are—and what they are not—when it comes to relationships.

First, boundaries are not a set of rules that you set for yourself in order to control others. Phrases like “These are my boundaries, and you need to respect them” are controlling. Phrases like this will not help you gain friends or keep relationships. So, what are boundaries?

In therapy, we teach correct principles and allow our clients to govern their own lives. This helps them build confidence in an effort to create the lives they want. First, let's set out a list of what boundaries are:

1. Boundaries are about love.

2. Boundaries are about strengthening relationships.

3. Boundaries are a choice about how YOU will behave when things are not going your way.

So, let’s go back to my story about my sweet 8-year-old. I did not practice proper boundaries for myself—that part is obvious. I acted as a doormat. So, how could I have handled it better? What are some boundaries I can practice for myself so that I am not causing conflict in my home, but I am still creating a warm and loving home? Here is the obvious answer: I am going to start locking my door when I want privacy.

Okay, but what about when things get more complicated? What if I am at my in-laws' house and someone in my extended family is acting in a way that is clearly disrespectful to me and my family? What should I do? Well, my family talks and comes up with a plan together prior to the event on how we are going to handle a situation if it happens. We choose to leave a room if things get uncomfortable. We practice grey rocking (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock), or we simply say things like “I am not comfortable talking about that right now”. Regardless of how we decide to handle the situation, we set pre-determined boundaries for ourselves. How will we react in a way that upholds our integrity while we are faced in difficult situations?

Boundaries are things we do to maintain our integrity. It is never about controlling others.