Marriage

We see it all the time in couples' counseling sessions: “I am just not in love with her/him anymore.” Well, let’s dig into this a bit more.

I love the quote by Esther Perel: "Most of us will have two or three marriages in our lifetime. Some of us will have them with the same person."

Simply put, human beings grow and change throughout a lifetime. No one simply stays the same, so if you have been married longer than a decade, expect some conflict. Sorry, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce—I know you've said you've never had a fight, but your time is coming.

So, how do you protect your marriage if you want to be married for a long time?

1. First: evaluate your values. Do you and your spouse have the same values? If so, are you doing your part to live up to those values?

2. Second: have a realistic view about what a long-term relationship looks like. Know about the 7 stages of marriage (based on Rita DeMaria's model, as outlined in this article: https://www.marriage.com/advice/family/stages-of-marriage/). Here's a quick summary:

   1. The Honeymoon Phase: Intense romance and idealization in the early years.

   2. Coming Down to Earth: Reality sets in, revealing flaws and habits.

   3. If Only They’d Change, Everything Would Be Perfect!: Power struggles and the "seven-year itch."

   4. Smooth Waters - Gratitude for What You Have Built Together: Stability and routine, often with family-building.

   5. Finding Each Other Again – The Reunion Stage: Rediscovering each other after major life changes.

   6. Attention - Potential Explosion!: Crises like midlife challenges that test the relationship.

   7. Fulfillment Stage: Deep companionship and gratitude in later years.

3. Third: Know about the Four Horsemen. These are behaviors that lead to divorce, as identified by the Gottman Institute: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (learn more here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/).

4. Fourth: Accept bids for connection. I love the Paired App for couples (check out this story: https://www.paired.com/articles/how-a-couples-app-saved-my-relationship).

5. Fifth: Have fun together. This does NOT mean dinner and a movie. This means truly adventuring together like you did when you first got together.

At the end of the day, relationships have hard moments—that is life. You cannot expect to be married to someone for a long time and not have periods of hardship because life is hard. Remember, though, relationships are worth it and when things get hard, know that they are strengthened in the repair. More on that in a later post.